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my moose belly
Apr 9th, 2010 by micah the admin

A few years ago I had a group of friends that would hang out all the time. We became pretty comfortable with each other and so our humor took some strange turns. One of the things my wife and I decided was funny was my belly. I’ve always had a bit of a beer belly. I would do this thing where I’d lift up my shirt and make my hands like antlers on each side of my chest. It made a funny resemblance to a moose. People would always laugh. Beth would also wait til I was talking to someone, come up behind me and lift up my shirt randomly. This also made people laugh. Usually.
One night one of our friends’ sister came over to the house we were at. We didn’t really know her, but she seemed comfortable with our rambunctious group. I was having a semi-formal talk with her and her brother just trying to get to know them both better. Beth came up behind me and WHAM! My shirt was lifted up for the new girl. I realized this wasn’t the right setting. Beth apparently did not. The girl looked at us with a mix of horror, discomfort and disgust. There was about a twenty second awkward silence until our little conversation disbanded. I’m pretty sure we never saw her again. Not once.

Micah the Admin

twin booties
Apr 9th, 2010 by beth the other admin

This happened years ago, and writing about it now I feel as weird as I did then. So… we bought several pairs of shorts that were on sale for my husband. Micah didn’t really need all of them so he gave one pair to a friend. They were exactly the same height and build so it was great. For them. Not me. I’ll tell you why. Micah had a weird work schedule, working random days and third shift, so he rarely got to hang out with our group of friends. One night while we’re all hanging out I see my sweetie’s shorts walk past me. Without thinking twice my hand swoops in for a spank. HOLY CRAP! THAT’S NOT MY HUSBAND! Somehow my brain got the message to my hand just before spanking my guy friend. I screamed really loud at the realization and blurted out “I ALMOST GRABBED YOUR BUTT! I ALMOST GRABBED YOUR BUTT!” I was so mortified by what I had almost done that I was jumping up and down screaming. I felt pretty awkward about it, but I imagine it was a little higher up on the “that was uncomfortable” scale for my single guy friend.

Beth the Other Admin

(And SO many times I have almost hugged my brother-in-law, who is my husband’s clone. But I usually have the presence of mind to not scream and jump up and down)

praying at the drive thru
Apr 9th, 2010 by beth the other admin

I was on my way to work and my usual custom was to pray on my way. I was pretty into it as it was a good 20 minute drive to my workplace. On a whim I decided to get a cup of coffee at McDonalds drive thru when I sped up to the microphone to order, I said,”Father” totally still in prayer mode. šŸ™‚

Jan – NM

my roommate, the human torch
Apr 9th, 2010 by micah the admin

I had a roommate once who was paranoid about seeing other people naked. She requested that I inform her every time I was about to change my clothes, so she could turn her back.

She was leaning over her dresser looking through her sock drawer when I said “I’m changing my clothes now”. I had just gotten completely nude and was about to put on some clothes when she let out a horrified scream. “I warned you not to look!” I cried indignantly. She began dancing up and down and shrieking some more. I began to feel offended. After all, I didn’t look THAT bad, naked. Then I noticed her hair had caught fire from some candles on her dresser. I quit being offended and ran to her rescue. –Okay, I just stood there laughing hysterically until she beat the flames out. What are roommates for?

Rachel – NH

snoozin' on the toilet
Apr 9th, 2010 by micah the admin

I was living in a dorm, sharing a room with several other girls. Some of them would come in late at night and leave things strewn about that I would trip over on my way to the bathroom, so I bought a small lamp to light my way. One night when I woke up and switched the lamp on, one of the girls sleepily complained that it was too bright. Thinking I’d be back in a jiffy, I hastily dimmed the light by sticking it under my pillow. That way I could still see, but wouldn’t offend anybody.

I went to the bathroom, but instead of going back to my room, I dozed off on the toilet seat! I awoke to the sound of a fire alarm and the smell of burning polyester fiberfill. I ran back to my room, from which smoke was pouring. My roommates were wide awake and very angry, my pillow had a hole burnt through it, and my lamp was, of course, ruined.

Rachel – NH

bikinis are for private villas!
Apr 9th, 2010 by beth the other admin

About four or five years ago my sister asked me to go swimming with her and my nephew, I wasn’t that keen I’m not big on swimming pools andĀ I had no costume but he was so excited and he was only about one or two at the time so I agreed, I was thinking, ok I’ll get a costume the day before. Typical to form I didn’t get a costume and the next morning she came round, I thought I could make excuses and get out of it but she was adamant that I go with her, so we started hoking through my drawers and she pulled out this white patterned string bikini that I had bought for holiday and never worn, I was like NO WAY! but in the house, standingĀ in my clothes somehow it seemed like it would be ok so I packed it up and we set off, it wasn’t until I actually got into the changing room, put it on and went out to the swimming pool that I actually realised how awful it was. Everyone else was in swimsuits and bodysuits and I was standing there ghostly white with a white string bikini on, like I mean across the cleavage was just two triangles so you could see all around each bosom and it was tied around the back with a string and the bottoms were just two small triangles tied at the hips with string….I actually could not have felt worse if I was nude, I mean this is ok if you live in Miami but this is Northern Ireland, people just don’t go to swimming pools in bikinis, but there was nothing to do so I just quickly got in the water, I’m not being paranoid when I say that people were staring, a couple were even embarassedly sniggeringĀ and I kept bobbing under the water trying to hide, eventually I was like, I have to get out of here, so I took a deep breath and started climbing out of the water, I had to walk the whole way round the pool to get back to the changing rooms covering my modesty because the bikini had gone a translucent grey colour in the water……to make it the ultimate cringefest there was aĀ man there taking swimming lessons who was a regular in the coffee shop I worked in, he came in EVERY day, the next day I was working he sat at the bench beside my section and I all I could think about was….Oh my, this guy has practically seen me nude….cringe, CRINGE, CRINGE!!!!! šŸ™

Tanya – Belfast

hitchhiker
Apr 9th, 2010 by micah the admin

When I was 20 something I was driving on Route 66 on the outskirts of Albuquerque. It was late at night and I saw a woman walking along a sparse stretch of the road. I stopped to see if she needed a ride. She was about 50 years old. She was holding something in her right hand but I couldn’t see it very well. She got in and we engaged in some small talk. I agreed to take her home. It was not far off the main road. After a few minutes she showed me what was in her hand. It was a rock about the size of a softball. She said, “You know an Indian woman can kill a man with a rock.” I believed her, but she didn’t kill me.

Nate – NM

a little lie
Apr 9th, 2010 by micah the admin

For as long as I can remember I have hated the word fiancee, so when my boyfriend and I got engaged I would never use it it just always sounded too frooffy or something and after we’d been going out so long I hated saying boyfriend because it made me feel like a little kid or something….so I got into the habit of calling him my partner which also felt weird so I eventually just started calling him my husband. I started driving lessons one day and as we were driving around I was chatting to the instructor, just small talk but I said something like ‘Oh yes my husband and I go there/went there…’ or some such thing, instead of the conversation moving on he becomes really interested in the fact I am “married” and asks me ‘oh when did you get wed?’ ….in a split second I weigh up the situation and instead of saying oh we’re not married yet I just call him that, I blurt out oh about seven noths ago(!!!!?????), does he drop it……NO. Oh where did you get married? I’m like oh emm….we got married in (aaaaahhhh what I am thinking!?) Spain, it was very small, intimate……(oh God please, PLEASE stop asking me about my imaginary wedding!!)…..then he says – What did you wear??!!! – What the hell…what did I wear!! Why is this fifty year old driving instructor asking me what I wore to my non-existant wedding??? It’s too late to go back now so I’m like oh just a lovely dress, a vintage lace dress, it was very nice….dah dah, dah. So ok, I’m rationalising this, it’s a bad situation but he’s just my driving instructor it’s not like he knows me or knows I’m a completely insane wedding fabricator!! …..but of course, what do you know….he then asks me what my boyfriend does, I tell him, he asks his name, I tell him!!!…..and LO AND BEHOLD….he says…’Oh yes, I know him, my friend So-andso goes ski-ing with him(WHY!!?? WHY!!??)….I’m fully freaking out now I’m like oh yeah? Really – wow….cool! The next week he comes and picks me up for the next lesson and starts talking about my boyfriend, his friend etc. I can’t hold out any longer with the fear of him finding out so I pull over the car and I’m like, listen William, I’ve got something to tell you….and I fess up to the whole ridiculous lie going way out of control….he is absolutely laughing his head off, he thinks this is hilarious and assures me that it’s no big deal….I on the other hand go home analysing my very psyche and tell my boyfriend who’s like….oh for God sake not again, you told the ambulance drivers when your scooter crashed(I had crashed my lovely purple vespa about five months prior) that I was your husband and when I arrived they asked me ‘Are you her husband?’ and I said ‘No I’m her boyfriend’………..people are going to start thinking you’re unstable!
Oh my goodness I swear – I *really* hope I’m not the only one who does crazy stuff like this….O_o

Tanya – Belfast

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